this week’s song was recorded way back in 2001. i was doing some work collecting music for my upcoming project about mania and remembered this little ditty.
i reworked some of the parts, cleaned up the mess i typically left back in my early billie burke estate recordings, and then remixed the lot, adding a bonus tambourine, just for the heck of it. the drum machine sounds a bit thin in the verses, but makes up for it in the choruses and especially the bridge.
the result is probably the best piece i’ve done capturing that feeling, the misguided manic intensity – the psychedelic verses – alongside the transcendent – here captured in the gospel “choruses.” the urgency and anxiety of the experience were only conscious elements in retrospect. when you believe you’re finally perceiving reality correctly the added intensity only feels like an energy you were overlooking during normal life.
the line “it kills me to know what i haven’t got” is one of my all time favorites, and was an element that bothered me for many years afterward. to know that you were mentally ill as well as being an improved version of yourself – insightful and cogent – is a tough combo to process. i may rework this piece and use it as an outro in my manic song cycle.
over the coming months i’ll be digging through the old bbe files to see if there are other promising nuggets lurking there.